I Am Still Here - God Help Me

Depending on whether people still have this old backup blog still in their feeds, and if this thing is still syndicated in some relic of my social media thingies, I don't know if anyone will see this or care; but if you can and you do, I am still alive but my life is 3rd world crossed with Jerry Springer Show level hortible. I am a survivor of domestic violence, gaslighting, and coercive control. So were my children. We tried to escape in 2018 and it went VERY BADLY. I was forced to go back to my abuser. It is ALWAYS WORSE when you go back!!!!! I survived another year of escalated terror and left again in 2019. In 2020 the entire legal system failed me in every way imaginable. EVERYTHING and EVERYONE has been taken from me. My children are gone. I live in extreme poverty in the middle of nowhere in a house that is falling apart and I have lived this way since last year. I have lived without indoor plumbing, heat, utilities, and money for a very long time and very often without food. I was 5'4" 140 lbs last year. I am around 90 lbs now. I have no pants that do not fall off. Everything is gone. I am still here. I lost my family, my friends, my reputation, my pets, my health, my vision, almost all the modern conveniences that most people take for granted and some of my teeth. Apparently the man I married is entirely above the law and I am completely powerless. All I know is isolation, depravation, degradation, sorrow and misery. But I am still here, because fuck him. Nobody should have to live like this. He wants me dead and out of the way. I am still here. My life is fucking horrible and I hate every single day of it, but I am still here. Domestic violence is real and the legal system is fundamentally corrupt and biased against crime victims. I am still here. I love and miss you all. Please pray for me. Please believe survivors. We sound crazy because our abusers do crazy evil shit to us and everyone believes THEM. Domestic violence is real. Please believe survivors. My miserable existence is a perfect example of why women (and some men) don't leave ---- because nobody believes us and we lose fucking EVERYTHING if we do. Domestic violence, gaslighting, and coercive control are EVIL and VERY REAL. Please believe and pray for survivors. Please pray for me. I truly do love and miss you all. Sincerely, Zilla (Mare)