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Friday, August 12, 2011

From the Mailbag, A History Lesson

I got this in an email from my friend Jack. Enjoy!



For those that don't know about history, here is a condensed version:

cid:023a01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91cid:023b01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91cid:023c01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
  cid:023d01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 They lived on deer   in the mountains  during the summer and would go to the coast cid:024001cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 and live on fish and lobster in the winter. cid:024101cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
cid:024201cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91  and the invention of the wheel.
 
cid:024301cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. cid:024401cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
cid:024501cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91
2. Conservatives
. cid:024601cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91
Once beer
cid:024701cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91  was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.  cid:024801cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 Neither the glass bottle cid:024901cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 nor aluminum can  cid:024a01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting cid:024b01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  cid:024c01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 That is how villages were formed. cid:024d01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
cid:024e01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men
cid:024f01cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's cid:025001cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91  and doing the sewing, cid:025101cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 fetching, and hair dressing. cid:025201cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. cid:025301cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men.
cid:025401cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, cid:025501cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91  the invention of group therapy, group hugs, cid:025601cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 and the concept of Democratic cid:025701cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91  voting to decide how to divide the meat  cid:025801cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 and beer  cid:025901cc5613$5b50a180$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 that conservatives cid:025a01cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
  cid:025b01cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 Liberals are symbolized by the jackass cid:025c01cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine
 cid:025d01cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish cid:025e01cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and vegetables are standard liberal fare..
 
 
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.   cid:025f01cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 Most social workers, cid:026001cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers  in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter  cid:026201cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer,
cid:026301cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat  cid:026401cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters,  rodeo cowboys, cid:026601cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 lumberjacks, cid:026701cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 construction workers, cid:026801cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 firemen, medical doctors, police officers, cid:026901cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91 engineers, corporate executives,  athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.
 They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
 
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to Americacid:026a01cc5613$5b52eb70$32C0C66C@DFDQVS91  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it.
 Let your next action reveal your true self.  I'm going to have another beer.


***I am too lazy to edit out the pictures from the email, but I now know that some of my readers can't see them with their browsers, so please visit my friend Hardnox at his where he previously shared the same thing, but nicely formatted and easy on the eyes font without the pictures, HERE.***



This post is linked at The Conservative Hideout. Thanks, Matt!









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16 comments:

SignPainterGuy said...

This story never gets old. Good to see I fit a number of Conservative slots listed in the productive class, but, while I prefer Miller to Bud IF I`m gonna drink beer, I really do prefer a good sour mash whiskey or bourbon to beer as my choice of adult beverage. And since 1969, no man has touched my hair; I prefer having a lovely woman rubbing on my head.

Now if you`ll excuse me, it`s time for my daily cheeseburger, fries and a non-diet coke in the comfort of my Chebby truck !

Hardnox said...

Good post.  I had the exact post up recently titled "history of the world".

quite_rightly said...

What's a day without a good laugh?

A beer sounds good right about now.

A Mindful Webworker said...

I'd rather have a Sam Adams, myself, but to each his or her own. Freedom!

It's not just for me that all the pictures were absent, was it? Tried two different browsers just to see if it was some odd techynickle thing.

Zilla of the Resistance said...

Some didn't work for me when I previewed before publishing the post so I removed them, but if you have stuff that blocks ads, maybe it detected those images as ads or something, I don't know. The post would stand fine without the pics, I just left the ones in that appeared to work because I am too lazy to edit them out.  You aren't missing much, they are just like little clip-art images to go along with the words used.

Zilla of the Resistance said...

Glad you like it! I really don't drink at all, although I used to when I was younger and childless, so a Root Beer will suffice for me. :)

Zilla of the Resistance said...

Did you get yours from email too?
Send me the link to yours and I'll link it above in body of my blog post if you like. 

Zilla of the Resistance said...

I don't drink now and haven't for a lot of years, but my beer of choice was Budweiser and I like rum (I am half Grenadian after all). I used to have a cocktail on my wedding anniversary back when hubs could still take us out to dinner (I like frozen daiquiris) and I'll take a shot of rum on my birthday if someone will drink one with me (like at the big party my neighbor throws every year), but other than that, my drinking days are far behind me. I will very rarely take a swig off husband's beer if he's enjoying a few with his friends out int he garage, but I usually end up feeling crappy soon afterward so it doesn't happen often. My preferred beverage for social occasions is club soda.
I am also addicted to Coca-Cola but I mix it with club soda to lighten it up. I am morally opposed to diet soda - that stuff is POISON.

Hardnox said...

Yes, my buddy in Philly sent it.  It's an oldie but a goodie.

http://hardnox-in-virginia.blogspot.com/2011/07/history-of-world.html

BTW, I'm having a Miller Genuine Draft at the moment.  :)

Zilla of the Resistance said...

Added the link, thanks! People who cannot see the pics here or want to share it may find the formatting much more useful and easier on their eyes at your place.


________________________________

Hardnox said...

Thanks.  You are a sweetie.

I think that it may be Internet Explorer.  Just a hunch.  It has given me a lot of trouble with blogger but the issue seems to have gotten fixed.  My techno-nerd friend is the one who alerted me to that.

BTW, have you seen my latest post on the college kids?
http://hardnox-in-virginia.blogspot.com/2011/08/our-youth-have-woken-up.html

Zero's ship is sunk now.  Bet on it.

SignPainterGuy said...

Good for you. I liked a beer or two after a hot day, before supper - not with or after the meal. It will soon be 3 yrs since that. When I visit my Sis, I raid her hubby`s liquor cabinet for the bourbon, add coke or Pepsi (which I prefer), I`m good for the evening ! I haven`t found a wine that I like much. He has me taste a variety of liquors, but Ol` stich-in-the-mud here wants sour mash whiskey or bourbon.

I don`t buy anything alcoholic at home, `cause I like it. And while I can stop after 1, 2 or 3, I don`t want to get into the habit of having to have a drink every day. And I HATE  hangovers !

Diet colas and lite beers are for .........not for me ! ;-)

SignPainterGuy said...

PICTURES ? I didn`t even know there WERE pictures until you said there weren`t any. Now I want the pictures that can`t be had that aren`t here ! ;-)

Zilla of the Resistance said...

Try using Firefox. 

Zilla of the Resistance said...

I'm on my way, thanks!

SignPainterGuy said...

I do. Don`t you remember being the one who convinced me to switch ?

Black blocks show while the post is appearing, but disappear quickly. I was just kidding about wanting the pics.  ;-)  Haven`t you figured out my quirky sense of humor ?

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